Who was that aerodynamic sunglasses wearing, headband toting, camelback abusing moron who said in the Daily Telegraph that the Stash in Avoriaz was the ‘best ski run in the world?’
Well whoever you are, I’d just like to say thanks. Thanks for making the Stash into the MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN THE WORLD.
Not many people seem to know this but the Stash is actually a park. There are quite a few of them spread throughout the world, they’re designed by Burton, using natural, sustainable materials and make use of the natural terrain. Ok?
Now I know I’ve said in previous blogs that patience is a virtue and we all had to start somewhere and all that hippy stuff. I’m just going forget about that for the purpose of this post, because, quite frankly, I have no time for poor etiquette, and there is a lot of that going on in the Stash right now.
And yeah, it’s all well and good if you’re on holiday with your wife who only likes to ski blue runs and your ten children who have no spatial awareness and snowplough around looking in awe at trees and bright colours, and all of a sudden you turn up at the Stash and think, ‘yeah, this looks like a cool place! I think I could do the Stash!’
Well, firstly, you don’t DO the Stash, that’s like saying, ‘Oh yeah, I’ve DONE Australia.’ Oh you have, have you? You’ve done everything there possibly is to do in Australia? Every single thing? It’s not like just DOING your taxes, or DOING the washing up, or DOING your girlfriend once a week on a Sunday night, if she’s in the mood. It’s, like Australia, a place with lots of different things in it, and lots of different things to do on those things, so, sort your syntax out.
Secondly, does anybody actually read the sign before they go in? If you do, it says something like, this is a park, there are small, medium and large features in it, wear a helmet, look where you’re going, be aware of what’s going on around you, and don’t stand somewhere where you can’t be seen by people hitting the features. Now, I know skiing and snowboarding can be hard sometimes, but if you can’t control yourself on variable terrain and like to stop for a breather in the landings of features and then get angry when someone has to throw themselves out of the way in mid air to avoid slicing your head off with their edges because you were standing around somewhere you couldn’t be seen, then you should probably, er, to put it politely, get the hell out before you hurt yourself, or someone else.
Now, I know, I know, the Stash is for everyone, but did I mention it’s a PARK? Not a museum, a park. Would you go to a regular snowpark and just, say, hang out in the landings of all the jumps? Eat your meticulously packed picnic lunch on a box? Cut in front of someone on their way into a rail, then not hit it and ride off the lip, arms and legs everywhere, thinking, ‘yeah, I did a jump.’ And, FYI, I can guarantee you that any easy feature in a snowpark is easier to do than an easy feature in the Stash. What is it about all that wood and ice that just makes it look so appealing? Is it knowing that you’ll probably slide out in the landing? Or bounce out of the massive hole made from people who’s legs are unable to hold them up from the strain of a one and a half foot drop. Or maybe the thought of catching an edge in that not very slidy, soft wood is just too much to pass up.
So anyway, it’s not that difficult, right? To pay attention to your surroundings, wait your turn and look where you’re going? I know it’s hard when your dad is standing there with his iPhone, waving frantically and saying ‘come on, Little Jimmy, do the jump!’ but you never know, that little bit of extra attention might just save someone from getting a ski pole through the eye.
That is all. Rant over.